I miss you but I hate you/Te extraño y te odio
Mariana Isabel Martinez Gonzalez
Sin rencor exploto con el vacío de mi legado perdido
Me forzaste a una contradicción
Te extraño y te odio
Desde el día en que me invitaste a ser parte de este mundo hasta el día en que me abandonaste
Te extraño y te odio
¿Por qué me traerías a este mundo solo para dejarme atrás?
No fue mi elección, me dijo el,
Pero tampoco fue la mía
Puedo sentir la raspa de tu barba sobre mi cabeza y huelo tu agua de colonia,
Mientras me abrazas tan duro, me regalas tu seguridad y yo mi tristeza, y la fundación de mi mundo se mueve
Diez años han pasado, te extraño y te odio,
El espejo negro me ve y pregunta, ¿quién eres?
Pero sin ti no se como responderle
Una mitad de mi ser ya no está, pero todo mi ser se siente perdido sin tu mano acompañándome
Si miro en el espejo negro por suficiente tiempo, puedo ver pedazos de tus ojos en los míos,
Me pregunto cuánto de mí viene de ti
¿Será que mis defectos son trazos de tu legado?
Es solo justo que cuando me dejaste también te llevaras tu legado contigo
No dejaras que tus fracasos sean los míos
Diez años pasan, te extraño y te odio,
Tengo una hija ahora, se ve como su papá
Su legado no estará perdido,
el espejo negro no tendrá que decirle quién es,
Porque su papá la estará guiando con el peso de sus hombros,
Te extraño y espero
que también me extrañes a mí
Bursting with lost legacy, the pain demands to be felt
You force me into a contradiction
I miss you and I hate you
Since the day you welcomed me to the day you abandoned me
I miss you and I hate you
why would you bring me to this world only to leave me behind
It wasn’t my choice, he says
But it wasn’t mine either
I can feel the brush of your beard on my head and smell your cologne
As you hug me so tight, you trade my sadness for your safety
When you let go I feel light without the weight of your arms and the ground under me shifts
Ten years pass, I miss you and I hate you
The black mirror looking back at me asking me who are you
But without you I don’t know if I’ll ever know
Half of me is gone, but all of me feels lost without your hand guiding me
If I can look on the black mirror long enough I can see fragments of you in my eyes
I wonder how much of me is a gift from you
Could my flaws simply be traces of your legacy
It only seems fair when you left me you should have taken your legacy with you
Let your failures not become my own, teach me to be better than you were
Ten years pass, I miss you and I hate you
I have a daughter now, she looks like her father
Her legacy won’t be lost, the black mirror will not tell her who she is,
Because her father will guide her with the weight of his shoulders
I miss you and I hope you miss me too.
my blue friend
Something about the sound of rocks hitting the bottom of the wheels
The smell of salt in the air and the sound of palm trees shaking their leafs
I’m waiting for ma to open up he door so I can run to the edge of the ocean
I hear the lock open and sprint to grab la tabla de surfear
I hear my abuela’s faint voice faintly yelling hold my hand! Wait for us!
The sun is shining so bright my pores can feel her rays and the top of my head feels like it’s catching on fire
We get to the beach, I run as fast as my cheap flip flops let me
I can see it, my blue friend, I can smell her too,
I walk slowly towards her, and my toes feel the cold dip of her love, as of saying hello,
I bury myself under her and let her carry me with her waves,
Safety, love, beauty, wonder, fill my heart
I see her every once in a while,
I think of her every day,
My blue friend, my best friend, she was my home,
According to ma, it was worth it to trade her for the white pale face of snow,
My blue friend, she’s still my best friend
the lights that never changed
How I long to divorce this city, let me control the lights
It’s paths so cheerless it’s journeys so flat
Looking up at the lights it’s cold December night
I walk down the street hoping for hope, hoping to feel like this life has purpose,
But all I feel is the cold snow on my cheeks, and the tip of my nose numb
I walk I walk for hours yet my thoughts take me farther than my feet
What is this purpose of life?
Hold on the light is yellow, my feet stop but the light isn’t changing.
The traffic light seems like it’s laughing,
My life like my feet is at a yellow light
Never fully stopping but never really moving forward
Just waiting for the glorious green to free me to move,
Oh green please come,
How I long to divorce this city, let me control the lights
